Jokes about the forest

Funny jokes about survival in the forest

If you get lost in the woods, don't panic. Look at the moss in the trees. The green color is soothing. If you find yourself in the woods and do not know where to go, go home.

I thought I couldn't climb trees at all until I met a cleaver in the forest. "Do you think there is anything edible in this forest?" - Yes, we are. If you get lost in the forest, do not rush to despair. First, use the moss in the trees to determine where the north is. Now that there is nothing else to do in the forest, you may despair. So we raised the generation that, being in the forest in the summer, does not know how to live without toilet paper ... - If you get lost in the forest, do you know how to find a way out? - I'm not mistaken, I have a cool phone with GPS and GLONASS. - What if the battery runs out? - I have foreseen everything, I have a charge with me. - Well, good luck to you ... - And how to determine by a tree where is north and where is south? - Yes, easily: a tree - north, a palm tree - south! If you are lost alone in the wild forest, do not panic. Start looking for such a secluded place so that no one will find you for sure, continue searching until you find the most remote place in these wilds. Found it? Be sure you are saved. All you have to do is to lower your pants and start to relieve a great need - immediately in front of you teams of tourists, mushroom pickers and hunters will begin to pass. If you get lost in the woods at night, look at the North Star. It is negligible compared to your problems.

Funny stories in the forest

Night in the woods. Storm. Seven tourists huddle in one tent - there is no place, nothing to breathe. - Vasya! Do you like a thunderstorm? - Not. - And you, Olya? - Not. - And you, Misha? - I love you. Misha is pushed out: - What are you doing in the tent ?!

The boy went for a walk in the forest, peeing at the same time. Then he saw a bear and pooped at the same time. The further into the forest, the more beautiful the woman. A lady gets into a taxi and goes home. Near the house, she discovers that she has lost her wallet and tells the taxi driver that she has nothing to pay with. The taxi driver silently turns around, drives into the forest and spreads a sheet on the grass. - What are you, I have three children, - says the lady. - And I have forty rabbits! Pick up the grass and put it here, - says the taxi driver. Mites and mosquitoes grow mushrooms and berries in the forest as bait for prey. Siberia. Taiga. The workers are cutting down the forest. A man comes out from behind the trees and asks for a chainsaw. The hard workers give, and the peasant all day long, without stopping, fells and fells the forest. In the evening the lumberjacks go to the shed, go to bed, the man does not let go of the saw ... In the morning, the hard workers see: there is a steppe around. From afar, where the forest is still visible, the noise of a working chainsaw is heard. The lumberjacks run to him. - Listen, where did you work before? - In the Sahara. - So there is nothing there. - That's right, and nothing will happen here. Sawed wood in Siberia. Caught. At the trial, the prosecutor spoke about some kind of mother nature and that it was not good to cut the forest. In general, they planted. I saw wood in Siberia. On nature: anyone who has ever seen how beautiful the Moscow Region forest is in the morning will never sit in a car with strangers again. Forest. The couple are picking mushrooms. The wife found a large porcini mushroom and asks: - Dear, is it an edible mushroom? - Until you cooked anything out of it - yes! A man is walking through the forest. Suddenly a bear met him and said: - Who are you? Man: - Me? Tourist ... - No, it's me - a tourist, and you - "Tourist's Breakfast" Two cowboys on horseback fleeing the Indians. Entering the forest, both jump up and grab a tree branch. The Indians rush under them noisily. “John,” says one cowboy, “isn't it hard for you to hang? - No, it's easy. - But it's hard for me. The second cowboy looks down and says, “Man, you forgot to take your legs out of the stirrups. The further into the forest, the faster and more hysterical the “ay” step. The peasant had to go late at night through a dark forest. Scary. Sounds suspicious. The shadows are somehow frightening. Suddenly from the darkness the sounds of blows, screams and a drawn-out moan: - Oh, I suck, I suck! And every time everything is shittier and shittier! The peasant became alert, took a hefty club in his hands. Looks - some suspicious bumpkin sneaks up. A man got up behind a tree, hid, and a hulk steals towards him. The big man caught up with the peasant, the big man with all his might with a club on the head - Khryas! - Oh, it sucks for me, it sucks! And every time everything is shittier and shittier! Abram and Sarah decided to frolic in the woods. - What are you, Sarochka, temperamental today - even better than in youth! - You should have been put in an anthill with your bare ass - I would have done something else!

A joke about a mower and an alien forester

A man walks across the field, mows. A transistor receiver hangs on his chest. “Dear residents of the farms of the Uysky district! "- the receiver broadcasts. “Last night a flying saucer landed near the village of Zyutkeli. On it, friendly-minded humanoids flew to us. If you meet them, please, without sudden movements, explain in simple intelligible expressions who you are, where you are from, what you do - do not be afraid, they will not do you anything bad. Signs of aliens: squat, hands to the ground, red faces, slightly bulging eyes. Please, if you meet any of them, report to the regional UFO center. "The man grinned into his beard (" Look, these city people will come up with them! ") And calmly mows further. He finished mowing to the end of the clearing, turns back, looks - bah! sits! Squat, hands to the ground, red face and bulging eyes! A man with trembling lips says: - Grass ... - points to the ground, - a scythe ... - to a scythe, - a mower ... - pokes a finger into himself, - koshu ... - depicts the corresponding process. Not a word from the alien. - Grass ... Scythe ... Mower ... Koshu ... - the man repeats. Silence again. The peasant also froze - not for good, you see. Suddenly the alien comes to life and, pointing in the direction of the forest, says: - The forest ... - points at himself, - the forester ... I sit ... Shru ...

Jokes about the forest and animals

Bear, Wolf and Hare lived in the same hut. The Bear had a stash of vodka. Once he went into the forest, and the Wolf and the Hare stayed at home. The hare approaches the Wolf and says: - Let's have a drink! - What do you mean, the Bear will tear off our heads later. - It's okay, when he starts asking about vodka, you, most importantly, make your eyes bigger, they say, and did not even see it, and then we will somehow get out. They drank a bear stash. In the evening, the Bear discovered the loss and asks - Where is my vodka? The Wolf has eyes on a nickle, and the Hare says to him: - Well, he stuck out his eyes, tell everything to Uncle Misha!

The teacher asks a question in the lesson "The World Around". - What are the animals most afraid of in the forest ?. Answer in chorus ... - Masha! The lion summoned all the animals and says: Whoever jumps off that high mountain can fuck my lioness. The animals climbed the mountain, and the Lion stood below and waited. He waits, waits, suddenly the point flew down, increased, BUKH - the Bear fell, and immediately climbed back. The lion says: - Well, Bear, fuck the lioness. And he climbs and climbs! The lion says: - Hey, Bear, where are you going? - First, I tr @ henu the one who threw me off .. The rabbit did not have a rabbit for so long that even the wolves were afraid of him in the forest. The Hare returned from the army. He served there as a sailor. He walks through the forest and sings merrily: - A young sailor is going on leave! And towards him comes the Wolf in the airborne uniform, looks at the Hare and sings: - In vain is the old woman waiting for her son home! The animals fell into the pit. They sit. Suddenly the hare threateningly: - Who ruined the air ?! Leo: - I. And what? Hare, raising his thumb with admiration: - In. The bun rolls through the forest and swears at the same time without stopping. A hare is walking by - he has obscenities. A wolf is walking by - a wolf. There is a bear - a bear. Well, they got angry - they come to the fox: - Fox, eat the kolobok - he has already gotten to swear at everyone. - Guys, I ate a kolobok last year, and this is not a kolobok, this is a hedgehog from the zone. - Hare, what are you sitting here and writing? - Diploma. - What topic? - How hares eat wolves. - What are you ?! Grossed out, oblique ?! Well, let's go over there in those bushes, we'll figure out who is who! - Okay, but let's better go to those. They come in, and there the bear takes the wolf, twists it into a knot and gives it to the smiling hare. - Remember, gray, no matter what the topic, the main thing is who the supervisor is!

Jokes about the forest

At the end of last year, I witnessed an interesting road situation - how the traffic police car makes a very, in my opinion, controversial overtaking. Which, moreover, got on the camera of the registrar. What happened? From the courtyard to the main road, making a left turn, a car leaves, which, having followed a certain distance, then decides to turn right into other courtyards. But before that, the traffic police car manages to approach him from behind and overtake. Everything would be fine, but there is a pedestrian crossing nearby. However, see for yourself:

To say that I was surprised by the actions of the crew is to say nothing. Naturally, a statement was sent to the OGIBDD of the local OMVD about bringing the driver of the patrol car to responsibility under Part 4 of Article 12. 5 of the Administrative Offenses Code of the Russian Federation. This video was attached. Because there is an unregulated pedestrian crossing, an unlit section of the road, twilight, and the absence of special signals. It is dangerous to overtake that way. Isn't it?

After a while I was invited to watch the recording from the registrar of the patrol car. In a telephone conversation, to my rhetorical question about what decision was made on the application, I heard the expected answer for myself that a decision had been made to refuse to initiate a case against the APN. It was reported that overtaking was completed before the crosswalk. Waited for any explanation, but not that. In the sense - before ?!

I read the Traffic Rules. Overtaking is anticipating the exit and return. That is, overtaking ends when the car returns to its lane. Arriving at the department, I received a copy of the definition, where it really says - "before". Interesting.

I also received a copy of the record from the registrar of the patrol car:

Even more interesting. The quality is not very good, but you can see that the overtaking was not completed "before". It was completed just after. During the passage, the patrol car was in the middle of the carriageway, that is, it was still returning to its lane (you can see how the car moves to the right), that is, overtaking was not yet completed, that is, there was no "before". Accordingly, as I think, there was an exit into the oncoming lane at a pedestrian crossing during overtaking - a direct train in accordance with Part 4 of Article 12. 5 of the Administrative Code of the Russian Federation.

And the jurisprudence confirms. From the most recent - Resolution of the Plenum of the Supreme Court of the Russian Federation dated 25. 6. 019 No. 20. In its paragraph 15 it is stated that if overtaking started in a permitted place, but completed in violation of the Road Traffic Regulations (whether under sign 3.0 or across the marking line 1.), then such actions form an objective composition under Part 4 of Article 12.5 Administrative Code of the Russian Federation. In other words, I just snagged the wheel markings at the end of overtaking, and that's it - a 5K wallet or life or a 4-6 month deprivation. And here a pedestrian crossing in the oncoming lane at the end of overtaking was hit with a wheel. On the ground, I saw the picture just like this:

By the way! After the above events, signs 2 "Main road" were put up in that place. You'd think this was insurance against off-top overtaking charges. But I think it's just a coincidence. Not everywhere in that settlement there are signs, but I know that the local traffic police have this situation under control, signs are regularly placed in the right places for this.

So that's it. A complaint against the ruling was filed with the OMVD. It was possible to go to court, but there they look at complaints for two months. Long. All acquisition terms will be released. Here - 10 days, although not fast either. But even so, you cannot leave the case. I believe that such actions on the part of that traffic police driver are unacceptable. The traffic police is entrusted with an important state function - to conduct road supervision. And here it is. This is discrediting, as for me.

The above response was received to the complaint. Overtaking is completed again "before". Further more interesting. It is said that there were no pedestrians or other vehicles, and a reference was made to paragraph 11. of the Rules. Apparently, they wanted to say that the driver, before overtaking, made sure that there was no one at the pedestrian crossing and therefore began overtaking, completing it "before". What good eyesight.

In general, the complaint was, as expected, denied. Therefore, initially, I made a decision to "wash dirty linen in public" and, simultaneously with the complaint, submit an application to the prosecutor's office about the need to bring a protest to the ruling. Let the prosecutors also give their assessment. What did the prosecutor's office say?